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what i have
written by lost_cause11:55 PM 9/12/04| there are few things you can do to help me get through but you can listen and try to give me advice that would be nice im not used to it at all so many people watch and wait for me to fall they simply want someone to make fun of i guess i fit that description perfectly because often its me they use my actions against me and use them to make me feel useless and shitty but oh well who cares i dont notice them there except when they have the nerve to say something to my face they dont bug me a lot because i know that im better than that or atleast people say i am like amy and my gran she is so sweet and so loving and innocent why did god chose to put this curse on her to give her a disease that makes it hard to breathe if any one deserves it it should have been me she was worth so much more to this world i love her and to see her in pain always keeping up faith makes me sad and i get weaker day by day how does she stay so strong when it seems like theres no hope i wish i had that i love how she does that it makes me feel like there really is hope that shell be there at my wedding if i make it that long shes so important to me and yet god had to go and hurt her so much and she was my crutch always holding me up i have amy though and that is just great but she might move and i couldnt deal with that either i dont deal well in situations where i lose which is all the time so i dont know how im still alive i think that its amy and how she protects me how she makes me feel like im acctually something worth someones love that i mean something to her and hopefully i really do and its not fake i dont think it is but with all of my pain thats how id expect it to be she is so good to me and sometimes i feel like i dont deserve her like she doesnt deserve a burden like me but i try so hard to make something of myself so i am worth her time so she can be proud of me its just so hard when i have a huge family because i get noticed so little and amy is always there she pays attention and really does care and i have so few people who waste time on me so few that care enough to ask how im doing and usually when they do its fake they dont really care they just act like it and all i can say is thank god i have amy thank god for my granny thank god that i have them to pull me up and keep me standing even if i lean on them im still on my feet and that makes me glad to be me and i just want to say that i thank god for love because even a little can do so much good i mean look at me so lost and confused so torn tattered and used and yet i have love a few special few and thats what gets me up in the mornings so are you listening god i want to say thanks you gave me something that i cant ever repay you for and that is what gives me a light to keep burning its the love that i have felt so little of and yet i can withstand all the shit and the comments for the millionth time i want to thank god he gave me so much to make good use of thank you god you really came through thanks so very much amy and gran i love you |
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Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
This was when i go off the phone with a good friend who told me to be thankful for what god has given me...
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