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suicide
written by bloodyfairy02:15 AM 9/30/04Like many teenagers I have contemplated suicide, but unlike some I have tried to. The time I am writing about stayed fresher in my mind, most likely because the last time I tried, answers came to me, things made more sense. It made me -even though I was not ready to- see myself and I hated because, I saw the horrible person I was becoming.
I kept telling myself I just had a headache, I was just taking a few pills; no one would take that many pills if they just had a headache. I was not thinking about what I was doing, I was just doing it. This was second the time second time I tried and neither time I really thought about it while I was doing it. I wonder if anyone thinks when they are trying to end their life, but I just know I did not.
Even though I did not plan to try again, I used prescription pills, instead of over the counter pills. When I threw up I must have known at the time that meant I was not going to die, but for some reason I was even thinking about that. My mind fill was filled with memories of my ex-boyfriend and the guy I messed it up with; even stranger one memory kept replaying in my mind. I threw up about six times, but my mind was far away from that. I was thinking thoughts him, the way his hair smelled, his smile, his eyes, and most of all the way he loved me and much of an idiot I must have been to mess up something that perfect.
Suddenly, I realized what I had done, and how wrong it had been and how much I regretted it, not trying to kill myself but what I had done to him. What I had put him through just to torture him, in that moment I realized I had tortured myself just as much, because deep down I was afraid to admit I loved him. He had left me because really I had left him first; I knew then I could no longer blame him for my pain without blaming myself just as much. It was my own fault I was so depressed, I deserved to be depressed, for trying to make other people as miserable as possible. Maybe I really do deserve to die. |
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Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
this is a paper for my english class so i guess its not really a poem but since it is due tomorrow i wanted to get opinions on it.
my english teacher is very open minded
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