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In memory of...
written by DeaD_DyinG_PaiN08:53 PM 1/8/05| I can hear you knocking you went in but I’m sorry I cant let you know the real me. The old me is still alive fighting to get out to feel the wind on your face is a beautiful feeling but you cant feel it when you are numb like me. All this alcohol and pills can never beat the feeling of being with you and how it made me feel. I look at pictures of me when I was little so innocent and stupid and I look in the mirror and I can see how much I have changed all black. All these pills knock me out keep me down and make me forget what your lips upon mine felt like. I can’t remember when the last time you smiled and how it made me feel to feel your warmth of kindness around me. You’d light up a room when you walked in no one could hate you but right now I hate you so much it hurts. I have waited all my life for you and now all I can do is wait for the day when I will see again in the after life. I sit in my room and look up at my roof and look around and everything in there reminds me of you and our friendship. I would give my life if that meant it would bring you back but it wont and crying myself to sleep every night wont do it either. Your laughter would sooth my worry and make me forget what it even meant. You use to tell me that I was the strongest person you have knew but how come I feel so weak. Your memories suffocate me so bad its so hard now to find you, I don’t ever want to forget you Patrick you were the best thing ever to happen to me and I mean it I just wish I could have told you that. Help me please god just help me it hurts so bad I blame me for what happened and I know its no one fault but its mine if I would have answered my phone I could have stopped him. This is going to kill me slowly for years. I lost count on how many times a day I think of you I lost count on how many times I have told myself that I don’t remember but I remember everything. Every touch, every smile, every joke, all your advice, and every time you helped me when I felt lost I just don’t want to remember it hurts so bad because I loved you so much. I never wanted you to leave if anything I wanted you with me. You voice alone would stop my crying I didn’t care what you said it was your voice alone it made me stop thinking of the sad. Do you like what you see, you like to see me fall I’m so drugged up I cant even see but I hear you. Don’t leave me alone when I am alone all I can do is think and cry for you. I grabbed your hand and asked you never to let go. Now I stand alone over your grave with roses in my hand I fall to my knees and wept. Asking if you can hear me but you can’t your mother had to pick me up and pull me away from your grave. I never let go but right now I just need to know if I can breath. What happened when you said me and you would go see NOFX together, I went to go see them for you Patrick or when you said on your 17th birthday you were going to get your eyebrow pierced and I had to go with you so I could hold your hand, I got mine done for you Patrick and I could feel your hand in mine the whole time. I hate you for making see and do all the things we talked about alone. And when I saw NOFX I looked next to me and saw someone else and it wasn’t you or when I got my eyebrow pierced Jennifer held my hand I closed my eyes and imagined it was you. I’m so lost for the words that I can use to describe my emptiness. I feel like a poison on a salve of lies that reads “KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN”. they all say these are the best days of our lives but for people like me the best days of our lives are our hell. |
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Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
i wrote this thinking of my friend that pasted away last year i love you Patrick Williams R.I.P
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