| » Poem: realization of depression |
realization of depression
written by SilentScreamsofDeath01:37 AM 8/24/04want to escape
everything closing in
hide
it's been building
hide
under the desk?
attract too much attention
can't do that
i'm a failure
i'm a fuckup
i'm worthless
it's built too much
i'm alone
everyone will leave me alone anyway
nobody will want me
what i'm worth
i'm worth only for my stability
or my perceived stability
once that's gone
who will want
what is this
i've felt it before
i just hid it
it went away in a few days
never had a name for it
talking to a few people on the group
more and more
suddenly occurs to me this feeling
has a name
depression
hide
hide
hide
send an email to a friend
asking her a quesiton about depression
don't even bother to fix the spelling error
she says yes that's what it is
that's what she feels
like
every morning
every night
I wonder
how the hell do people survive like this
why the hell would someone want to make people
survive like this
I call a friend
a woman I used to go out with
she has a masters in psych but no shingle so
I can talk to her about it without risking a psych record
she says if I feel like this after two more days I should
go to a real psych
right. like i'm going to do that.
i don't mention i'm starting to think about how to tie a noose
she's sounding a little too worried to handle that
hide
call another friend a little later
tell her how i feel silly about this
about this feeling
when she and my other friend put up with it nearly every day
hell is hell she says
it doesn't matter how often you're in it
when you're in it you're in hell
but i still feel silly
i tell her that
she says she sometimes feels silly about it too
that's just another nasty thing
about depression
take a xanax
the hospital gave it to me for heart palpitations
half a year ago
I still had three left now I have two left
it helps a bit
go to bed
wake up
the feeling's diminished but it's still here
wonder if it will get worse as the day wears on
hide
hide
wonder how productive i'll be today at work
probably not much
it's silly to be anonymous
the tears form at my desk at work
but i'm just not ready for everyone to know
how i'm falling apart
hide. |
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Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
"...I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something that nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older - as you see people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
-Douglas Coupland
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