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Goodbye? (PleaseReadandCommentifuWant)
written by xxxxxxblackdragonxxxxxx06:50 AM 3/21/05Is This Goodbye?
I write this to tell you how I feel
I can't get this out in words
It's just been over a year ago
When I felt I could really trust you
I know that I made other friends
And you felt threatened that they would replace you in our circle of friends
You didn’t want change (and I had to work on that too)
That wasn't my intention at all
Maybe you just felt that you would be ignored
I know you don't want that
As is true with everyone
I say this considering what I have done to you and your friend (I have been mean to Marc in the past because he always made me feel on edge and when he hurt my feelings [whether he knew it or not] I wanted revenge [which will come back and bite you in the ass; that’s my personal experience] and I couldn’t talk to him about how I felt about him; he never REALLY listened to what I had to say [and still doesn’t all of the time] so that was how I dealt with my emotions)
And I do, to a certain degree, deserve this hurt I feel you (aware or unaware as you may be)
gave me
Because I have hurt you in the past
I know our interests have changed too
Within this last year our paths diverged even more
You started spending more time with Marc
Which I have no problem with, I actually am very good at accepting change and I didn’t want to smother you
I wasn't holding a grudge against Marc (if you're thinking I was trying to avoid him to hurt his feelings... I just personally don't feel at ease around Marc- he pretty much brought on my dislike of him, due to his constant giving of advice and criticisms he had for me. He usually is condescending towards me and there has always been a tension I have felt around him. I always feel like I have to be on guard around him. I find it terribly frustrating that he and you [to some extent] sometimes treated me as naive and downright ignorant, even though I probably appeared as a happy-go-lucky person [I think you thought I am as childish as I often act when I am joking, but that is my sense of humor and I am actually a very serious realistic person when I am not around friends or just joking around]. Regarding Marc, maybe the traits he shows towards me is just his personality, but I don't know him well enough to pass judgment on him fairly, so take this passage how you want to, not that you care about what I have to say about others (no sarcasm intended)
Marc once told me
"David I used to think you were sort of dumb,'
I asked, "Oh really... in what way... book smarts or street smarts?" feeling that familiar anger build up inside of me
He responded in his typical condescending way, "street smarts, but that was probably because you were in middle school"
Once he and I were returning from Blockbuster and he was telling me about his new paintball gun and I stated my opinion on paintball guns (I told him that I think it is disrespectful that we pretend to kill people and laugh about it when our soldiers fighting in Iraq are getting killed everyday [even though I think they are over there for the wrong reason]). He paused and said “There’s so much you don’t understand about paintball, I’m just not going to argue with you.” That response was rude, condescending, and just plain dumb. However, it made me mad and I called him after I had gone home and he only apologized after he realized I was really upset about it.
You probably think I am being too damn emotional, but the fact that Marc probably didn’t give me a second thought was irritating to no end. And I know he has done some things on purpose (I think you have too) to just get me mad, because many think it’s funny when I lose my cool- I used to be bad about that (as you know L [when I hit you in the head, sorry…L]), and I must admit that it would have been funny seeing me ranting and raving like a lunatic.
I know you are thinking “why is he telling me about Marc?” I just wanted to tell you (in case you are not sure why I never really got along with him and why I never wanted to go to his house or invite him to sleepovers) because you might think I don’t hang around him because I want to keep you all to myself or I want to hurt his feelings.
You (yourself) told me, one day after middle school (I remember you, Marc, John and I were walking in college hill when you brought up the subject of girls, I said how I would treat a girlfriend; you thought the response was a stupid one, and you quickly dismissed me saying "David, you don't understand girls." The rudeness you displayed and the shock I felt infuriated me. You probably thought I had never had a girlfriend so I couldn’t understand…
Let me clarify:
a. I have had girlfriends (I’m not gay, if you think that, and the girls were lovers, not friends) up to that point, just two though, [still that number today, if you are wondering why, I really don’t want to get involved in a serious relationship yet, and I honestly don’t think I could hold up my part to keep her happy at this point. Plus, I am still working on being happy with myself, and I don’t want to try to build a relationship with another girl on a bad foundation. (I did the breaking up part with my previous girlfriends, they were smothering me and they lived out of town, so yes, I have “broken” some hearts).
b. The idea of being polite and nice to a girl (true with everyone) to ask her out is not irrelevant as you inferred by dismissing my claim, and it does not take experience to know that this holds true. I know you know this, but I just wanted to tell you my opinion.
But I kept my anger at what you said bottled up for the remainder of the walk. You may recall I said I didn't like your cussing (a downright lie from me, I went home and you and Marc came back and said you wouldn't cuss just to persuade me to stay for the sleepover). Now I don’t know if this is true, but John told me that you and Marc were making fun of my sensitivity behind my back after I left. But I can’t be totally sure if this was true, and it is in the past. I must be really good at keeping emotions bottled up or you must not have seen how much that statement about my naivety upset me. I know if I had said that to you and you were upset, I would have known how that made you feel, and I could have probably seen what was upsetting you. That was sixth or seventh grade.
Let me stop here. I'm not saying that I wanted a perfect friendship- that's not possible or even fun. I just wanted to show how poorly we dealed with the problems we had. That helped lead to a feeling of (what I now perceive as) mutual mistrust and a vengeful motivation.
One time I couldn't stand you was at the lake (our trip there three or four years ago). You became so bossy and condescending towards me when you would get around your boat I felt like a two year old. I know you didn't think it was that big of a deal, but it showed how you valued our friendship. If that's just part of your personality, I guess I can’t handle that.
You wouldn't let me play your PS2 at your house during a sleepover a few years ago, you seemed to be quite a control freak; but I didn't take much notice at the time.
I was used to things like this to happen up to this point. But all of this crap really started in eighth grade when I met Steve. I know you were hanging out with Mohammed and for some reason you outcasted Steve. I felt ignored by you too, so I talked to Steve and we became friends. I started hanging out with him more and decided that you would come around to me again if you wanted to.
Well next year is when you really put me through a bunch of bullshit. Not only was Marc telling me to change my behavior if I wanted to make friends, and that I needed to join a sport to make friends... I'm rambling again... but you started to tell me to stop hanging out with Steve.
If that wasn't possessiveness and insecurity at its best…
That shocked me and made me furious.
(I remember at Marc’s sleepover once [the one where Steve took back the Pepsi] you and Marc wanted me to tell Steve next time he called that we didn't want to be his friends anymore. I was outraged; you didn't consider my feelings for one moment. Luckily I acted as a "buffer zone" between you and Steve- he wasn't helping the situation, either. I should have stopped being your friend then, but I was not decisive enough to make that decision for myself (I was also afraid to start over and make new friends) and I was nice enough to give you another chance, which you took for granted.
You also told me "it was the worst mistake I ever made introducing you to Steve."
(Remember? when we were working on the go kart at Marc’s?) Like I couldn’t think for myself…
I am not saying it is all your fault- I should have stood up for Steve and explained our friendship to you.
Well after the go-kart fad (not a fad to me) and the Aqua Teen Hunger Force phase passed, you are probably aware that we stopped hanging out as much.
Marc had bought his guitar, and I remember you and he were taking lessons. I felt so left out and couldn’t see why you didn't hang out with me anymore. I think it could have been you wanting to get revenge on me for making friends with Steve and not “listening to you.” You yourself probably felt left out, so you thought you would return the favor. But these are just conclusions I have gathered; this may not even be true.
I remembered at the lake, you told me you were hanging out with Marc more because he had a car, which I joked along with, acting like it was not a big deal.
But that isn’t what justifies a friendship (I am being a bit of a hypocrite, since I have used others in my life for their material possessions as well).
I then gave you your space- I thought it was the best thing to do.
But you didn’t seem to make any more effort to be my friend.
For example, you never called me anymore and you always had something else “going on” if I tried to make plans with you (which I believe are mostly lies)
I needed closure; I wanted to know what happened between us.
But do you know what the final straw was?
This year you remembered (just a few months ago) me calling you to make plans, right?
You said you couldn’t today, and proceeded to hang up. You didn’t make arrangements to do something later. I felt as if you were deliberately trying to avoid me.
And guess what?
As I was driving east on Douglas I saw you and Marc driving past me- I then knew you lied to me. I tried to put together another scenario- maybe you had just gotten back from running errands with your mom (like you told me you needed to do) and already had plans with Marc. But I seriously doubt it- I know you well enough to know that you would have (in the past) called me back to still make plans. I also know that you can and have lied to friends and have not had any second thoughts about your actions whatsoever. Hey… what I don’t know won’t hurt me! But I knew, and it hurt.
I decided to keep trying to make arrangements to get together with you, but you turned them down every time and I soon just gave up. I remembered you called me back finally, and by then I was too hurt to come back to that trust we once cherished, so I didn’t return the call. I felt vengeful, and even though that wasn’t the right thing for me to do, I thought you should know how it felt. And for that I am sorry.
Soon after this I was going to write this letter and give it to you, but that was when I learned of your Grandfather’s illness. I felt terrible for not returning your call, and I decided I was being overemotional. I thought you and I could try to get together again, but it failed again. That very same night we were supposed to get together you were at Marc’s. Seemed almost too coincidental.
I gave you some time alone, but this confusion and uncertainty is gnawing away at me as I write this.
(You probably think I am dwelling in a paranoid provincial state of mind, but I cannot deny my feelings, and I am not exaggerating- this shouldn’t shock you, and it probably doesn’t. I think you deliberately went out of your way to hurt me, and I have always felt that way about Marc too. Anyways, I am moving on and you can think what you want of me.
I have decided to let go. Your interests have changed, and I have changed, and I don’t think we will ever get back the friendship we once had. I hesitated on giving you this letter because I didn’t want to make a hasty decision. Our communication sucks and I am tired of feeling left out. I don’t think you will give this letter much attention anyway; you are probably to too preoccupied with girls or whatever… You may not even care about our friendship anymore, but I do and wanted to tell you how I felt.
P.S. I didn’t write this as a guilt-trip letter or anything to make you feel bad, even though it may sound like I am trying to do just that. I just wanted to get this off my mind and tell you how I feel, nothing more. And please don’t think I need mental help- I am just writing my feelings down on paper. I am not holding this as a grudge (one thing Marc said that I agreed with, “Grudges are for girls”)! I am still there for you and your family, if you need me, or if you decide try to give a little for this damaged friendship, but I don’t expect you to. You probably haven’t had second thoughts about how you have treated me (it’s probably how you treat everyone, I guess I am just a little more sensitive than some to others’ actions). This endeavor has been a good example for why I am not a person who let’s the bad parts of their past eat them alive, just because I know I can’t or it would be all too consuming and just a waste of time. Don’t think this is a goodbye sign, I just needed to be able to tell you how I felt, and it will be goodbye if you don’t take notice and communicate with me a little better. I am not putting all of the blame on you, because I believe I have been partly responsible for where our friendship is today. I wrote this to try to let you know where I think we are at today, and I didn’t want to be too hasty and say the familiar phrase “you’re not my friend anymore.” Sorry if I came across as a-know-it-all and don’t think I am doing this out of spite… please don’t. If you have read all of this I thank you from my heart). I might be dramatizing the whole thing, so if you still want to be friends, please tell me why you don’t make the effort to get together with me anymore (I know you have time, because you frequently spend time with Marc and his friends). If your interests have changed and you just don’t see me as a fun or worthwhile friend anymore, that is totally understandable, because I know people change and this happens to a lot of people around this age. Not wanting to condescend, but you have a lot of growing up to do. If you think I am being one-sided, I know I have a lot of growing up to do that experience can only offer! If you haven’t read this letter or you decide to ignore me, I will move on- this isn’t an act of desperation just because I can’t give you up- that’s not true; I just want some resolve and thought now would be a good time to tell you how I have always felt in our friendship, too. Sincerely, David |
All (c)Copyrights reserved by the Original Author.
Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
The names have been changed, but this is a letter I wrote to my ex best friend a couple months ago but I never sent it because I was too fickle. But tell me if you like. Since then I haven't hung out with anyone and I want to send this to him for closure.
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| » Comments / Feedback | by Cut_Wrist_Risk (3-21-2005 - 06:52 AM)
| Sorry I would read but wayyyyyyyy to long. sorry :( |
by skpwf (3-21-2005 - 11:21 AM)
| gud ofr u! tell it and let it go. Life is just too damn short for small crap!
I enjoyed it. If you feel the need to send it 2 ur friend then do it; but no regrets..k! If not, that's cool too, it seems you have moved beyond it and as you venture out into this world ull know there r all kinds of ppl and not all of them bad; but ull know; and its way cool how u aren't afraid to live and let it out! u go with ur bad self! don't ever be afraid to be you and definetly always like yourself! skpwf |
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