| » Poem: Cuts part 1 (this is a story) |
Cuts part 1 (this is a story)
written by Tainted_Soul_77705:48 PM 4/11/05People say I'll never know their pain, I'll never know how they feel but I do. I always have. I always will. My best friend has had a self-mutilation problem for 3 years. She- like my mom and sister have been suffering from depression. My name is Sara and I'm 17 years old. No I don't have depression if thats what you're thinking. Well....I can't. I have to be happy and if not I have to portay the image of success to be successful with the weight of the world on my shoulders. This is my story, read it if you want, if not then close it now because what you're about to read is more graphic and more thrilling then you would like to believe. Anyways, you probly are expecting a classic beginning, and well thats what it will be...arn't they all classic beginnings? You dont have to worry about me starting with "Once apon a time" because first of all storys like these never happen once, and second of all it deffinatly is no fairy tale. Really, it started 5 years ago in 6th grade. Why my first year of Jr.High? I dont have any idea, that was all up to God. It was a cold Decemeber afternoon, the sun had taken the snow and at the time Im sure it wasn't the sun, but something took away my best friend and I wasn't even aware at the time, or about a year later. Im ashamed to say I was as blind as I was and I hate myself to this day for not caring.It wasn't anything dangerously exciting. The choir had a winter concert and my best friend and I had our first crush of our Middle School career. I just didn't go as far as she did, and I'm glad because if I did I might now have the chance to write this right now. You might wanna know what my friends name is, well her name is Ashley and Ashley and I have been friends for 10 years, at the time now it would be 13. She says when shes see him she cant stop looking an when she thinks about him, she cant stop thinking and.....well you get the point. I was used to this, shes liked guys before but this one was differant this one was more serious to her. He was so mean to her, he played so many mind games with her, many days he said hed call her and shes wait by the phone with no ring. There were so many words she said , so many feelings so many thoughts. Over time she began to love him, really love him. I doubted it before but now I see she really did. She never expected to fall in love with Kevin, and I never expected to loose my best friend. Her mom was so crule to her, calling her these names some parents wouldnt even want their children to hear at that age. One day when I was there she even hit Ashley. I wanted so bad to stop her but I couldn't and that another reason why I hate myself now. I'll admit I was selffish, I was concided, I thought it was just confidence. If I could see what the consicoinces are now I would have listened, payed attention and been the best friend I should have been. I quess this is all my fault and I quess I should have cared more. The truth is I thought I was being the best friend I could be, but words now lead me to believe differantly. Well anyway Ashley loved this guy, Kevin and he didnt even care. How could someone not care like he did? For someone to be that unaware of people's feelings is inhuman. She would do anything for her and he would hate her and hate her and hate her. What do you do when no one seems like they care? Your mom, your best friends and the guy you've liked for so long and you can't have him, which makes you want him anymore? Its simple enough, just get attention anyway possible. In this case, Ashley didnt sell her body, do drugs or drink, she instead took a razor, dull because it was her first time and pressed it up against her skin. Then moved it slowly down her arm. And those actions have to be just about the worst thing for a 12 year old to deal with. Yeah, she was 12. None of us knew it but Ashley was already dead, she already signed the papers and the whole 9 yards. One little action, you would never think could do this, but it did and God never ceases to impress me. The story of her life was great I mean, her dad was dianosed with Diabetes at the age of 6, and constitly had reations (which conensidently increased when she was in depression) her mom never accepted her, the guy she cares so much about could care less, and she took everything personal. I mean everything.I remember when it used to be this good. Yeah, things got worse believe it or not. So we got her help, no one could help her and she was too far gone before there was any hope. If only someone whould have done something sooner. For almost 6 months I thought she stoped the cutting. So things were alittle normal. We treated her like a human, instead of an insain person. We had our laughs and our fights. Little did I know about what she did when we got off the phone after an arguement, or a fight. One night, about 4am Ashley, our other friend, Cristy and myself got into a diccusion, of what I dont remember but something made Ashley break down and confess. She didnt stop. She simpley couldnt. At first it was for attention, she said but then....it was for releaf. Being so close to just ending your life was the most releving feeling shes known for a while. But the cuts got deeper, the cuts got longer. The blood was thicker and she never felt more better then in that moment. The moment where she looked down and seen blood, the moment where she felt the prick of the razor. That was the only thing that was there for her in her life and she felt worse knowing that, that it made death more sweeter and more releaving. She concealed so many emotions in her that if she told you, then you yourself would also want an end to your life. She wore so many masks, and as her best friend, I should have seen through them. If I did I was too worried about other things that would still be there 3 years from then, unlike Ashley. Ashley broke down. She confessed. She screamed out "I hate God". If you didnt know we were all born again Christians, but she hated him. She hated God because of all the things he did. She wondered why if he loves her so much does he put her through all of that pain. And when she prayed for it to end, it never ended. In fact it just got worse. She couldn't cut on her arm, the scars were too noticable so she found anywhere on her body that she could cover. She cut her thy, so no one would see it and so no one would try and help her because the pain was so great that if someone helped her they'd take away the only good thing in her life.Every time someone said something bad about her and ever time she'd do something wrong, she'd remember it when she picked up the razor, and thats the only thing she could think of. I'm not sure what came out sooner, the tears or the blood. Just like the tears and the blood, they mixed together just like all the things in her life. When Cristy and I heard this, we didnt know how to react. We were emotionless. So she appologized for all the messed up things she did. She pretty much clued us in that there was no hope and her time was soon over. Her dad wasnt doing too well at this time, and one day she was too late to say goodbye. We seen abulances, with a look at eachother we ran to the door, at that time we seen two men rolling a body bag down the stairs with Ashleys dad's body on it. This was it. This really made her snap. I've never her cry so much at the furneral. I mean, I would too I dont blame her at all. Of corse I worried, I did what ever I could to cheer her up. It just made her idea of death more pleasant, as if it wasnt bad enough all ready. So one night I called her house, just like every other Friday night. But she didnt answer. So I figure she went somewhere. Then for some reason something was telling me to just go over there and go in her room to see if she was okay. Thats what I did. On her computer I found a note, the note read as follows;
To whoever is listening, Im sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you, I just wanted to hurt myself, and sadly I drug down people in the process. Everything was just so messed up, I really didnt understand a reason for living. I want you to know I did this because I hate myself. The pain of living was more than I could bare, and sooner or later people more and more people would find out what I was doing, and more and more people would get hurt. So, take it selfishly or not but I figured it would be best if I just let everyone down at once, instead of little by little. I couldnt stand living, looking in the mirror every day at my hidious face my tainted soul and my mutilated mind. So take a look, take a closer look at my scars. Each one is for a person who ment a lot to me. Theres one for my brother, dad, mom, nephew, theres one for Christy, Marilyn and Sara. But most of all the biggest on is for the one who started this all, heres one for Kevin. Dont worry its not your fault for hating me, I would too. Im just a tourterd soul, a 16 year old girl whos had these cuts since I was 12. Please remember me as the girl who never had a problem, who was always happy and only remember the smile I had on my face. I know its close to insain, but I would rather you remember that was than the accual truth. So whoevers reading this, Im sorry you have to see what Ive done to myself. I know how to end this pain. I'll never be hurt again. I dont know where Im going, but even hell would be better then this world. I wont say good-bye cause its not good, I wont say see ya cause well, I wont so I'll leave with this. My final words. I love you Kevin. If you could only see what I truly felt, maybe we could be happy. Maybe I could still be alive. If I have any wishes from God they are to never treat anyone like you did to me, I dont know why you did it, but Im ending it.
You woudnt believe how hard it is not to cry when I read this. Its even hard to write it. But you have to know. I was a good friend. But I wasnt listening. When I did listen, she thought I didnt care. I didnt start to help her till I found out she was serious. By then it was way too late. Therefore it is my fault. I know what happend will haunt me for the rest of my life. If you were smart enough to read this, I thank you. I thank you for knowing what will happen. If your friend is even thinking about it, get her help. That night when I was finished reading the letter I seen Ashley under a blanket. I didnt want to lift the blanket up, but I had to and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. When I lifted up that blanket, the only thing that was separating my best friends body, and me, I seen her arm, cut up like she took atvantage of her last minutes. I seen her neck sliced with the razor blade, which she must of done under the banket because it looks like she died instanly. After the funeral and everything was quite. Some people at school acted like nothing happened, other people acted as if their world has fallen. The most hard words for me to hear was the day I went back to school and the Princle asked for a moment of silence for Ashley. That was hard. It was hard to begin crying again infront of everyone. I still go and visit her mom, and brother. Her brother has a baby now. She'll never see him. He's about 2 and hes starting to say his first words. For me and Cristy, well we're just tryin to cope with life and keep the motto of "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." We have eachother. We listen to eachother now and we're there for eachother as best as we can be, so this kinda thing doesnt have to happen again. I wish it didnt have to happen to anyone, but it did. It happened to my best friend,a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter, and a student that you see everyday, never knowing that soon you'll never see her agian. Thank You for listening. |
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Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
DO NOT COPY THIS! copyright Kalie Nelson
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| » Comments / Feedback | by (guest) (4-12-2005 - 04:47 PM)
| wow im trying 2 stop crying....this story really touched me.... |
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