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Cuts part 2 (this is also a story)
written by Tainted_Soul_77705:49 PM 4/11/05February 18th
As I sit on my stairs all alone, again because thats how its always been since shes been gone, I think about why. I still think about back when I read the letter on her computer and when I seen her underneath the blanket. I think about whats its done to me and what Im doing about it today. It tourtures me still to even try to inhale the feeling of this cold December day once more. It reminds me of how this all started, back to the choir concert in 6th grade. Its hard to absorb all these negitive feelings all at one time. Im lost I get caught up in the moment of when she used to be happy. Those times are so far away now that if I had super powers I still wouldnt be able to grasp onto it. My best friend, my other half, the one who died because this crule world never excepted her and neither did the people living in it. Its been almost 3 years since she died. If she was still here it would we would have been friends for 16 years. I am 19 years old now. Just about 20. The reunion of her death comes closer every single day on February 22, it will have been 3 years since the passing of the person who will never leave my mind, and this is the time of the year when it gets really hard for me. Ashleys nephew is almost 4 and hes turning into such a smart little boy. Shes about to have another neice or nephew but sadly, she'll never see them either. I remember looking back, about a year ago he nephew seen a picture and asked who it was. Her brother replied "Thats Aunt Ashley" Then is son asked "When will I see her?" And Ashleys brother looked down at the floor, the lowest level of the atmosphere, and replied "I dont know where she is, so I dont know if we'll be seeing her again." Then he nephew started playing with his toys again.
February 19th
Its midnight. I couldnt fall asleep. The vision of Ashleys arm and sliced neck has never yet left my mind. I woke up from a nightmare. I woke up sweating and panting in a dark room that felt like the only space was the line from where sanity and insaity teased my mind. Im so miserable still from what happened and I caught in my own emotions. When Ashley passed away she gave me all the feelings she was being released from. The pain of abuse, ridicule, rejection, hopelessness and misery. They're all on me now plus the loss of a best friend and person I should have saved. I walk into the hallway which leads to my bathroom. I get a drink from my sink and am horrified to look up, because then I'll see my refelcton starring into my eyes and looking at the person who was so selfish that is costed someone their life at the age of 16 years old. Thats only a fragment of what I see evertime I look up from that sink. Wothlessness, sympathy, grief, lonliness and myself. I walk back into my room and lay down in a curled up ball, hiding under a rock and alone from the rest of humanity. Thinking about my dream and what it made me think. Im covering up the scars she left behind.
February 20th
The next day I have to clean out my things. As Im searching threw things that are mostley useless I find a peice of paper torn up that reads; "Sometimes you can cry until theres nothing wet and you can scream and curse to where your thought reveels rumptures you can pray all you want to whatever God you think will listen and still it makes no differance...it goes on with no sign as to when it is meant to release you and you you that if it ever did relent...it would not be because it cared." I drop it, cover my mouth and silently watch as a tear falls down onto the paper that my best friend wrote when she was still alive. I can never realse myself from this world Ive built around myself. Everything I see reminds me of her and is a sign that its not my time to forget.
February 21st
"I'll say goodbye to today and good ridance to tommorrow, fair well to the pain and so long to the sorrow" I remember reading that in a poem of hers when she was about 14. However I wish she would have said goodbye in a differant way. There was something about Ashley that made you think. You could be the most optomistic person in the world, and not a person could let you think about the cruilties of life except...Ashley. She really made you think about how mad life can be and how terrible people can treat you. Even though it was always negitive, I wouldnt have had it any other way. I just wish I could have told her how I really felt. If Ashley wasnt dead, I would tell her so many things. Every day I think about how much the story would change if I would have went to her house or called her sooner to maybe stop her. Im way too late now, that thought should no longer be in my mind and Im ashamed to say that I didnt help her. I would tell her that she really was an outstanding friend. She enver lied and was always honest. She said her opinion and always stuck to it. When someone was hurting, when a little kid was getting treated badly, sometimes it seemed like Ashley was the only person who cared but she was just too young to do anything about it. Whenever I needed someone Ashley was the ONLY person who was willing and not upsett about talkig me through it, and even though she didnt understand why I was sad sometimes, she still tried to be there for me for differant things. She thought things through before she them and she always knew that when she said something it would make people think, but in return people felt so insicure about it because people couldnt stand to be wrong and they treated her like she was nothing when she was everything to me. Tommorro is the day of her death, the day when I found her lifeless underneath the connected fibers of cotton.
February 22nd
These vows of misery are tormenting me. Im going to try not to break, try not to give up. This day is the saddest day of the year for me. And even though it gets easier every year, at the same time it sinks in more with a slap in the face that this is the day I made the biggest mistake of my life. Like I said so many times before, God never ceases to impress me and I dont think he ever will. I sit in my room, lifeless myself. Theres nothing else for me to do to get this pain off my mind which has become filled wth cluttered thoughts of the events taken place only 3 years ago today. All through out this day the thought has never left my mind. I go through my things that I have in rememberance of her and find a picture of us accaully having fun. Then a pictures of me and her just simply spending time together. The smile on her face is so lost now. The worst part is, I dont know where she is now. It time now to write her another letter and put it by her grave. Its hard to write these, but it gets a lot of feelings out.
"Dear Ashley,
Hey, I havnt talked to you for about a year and havnt seen you for 3 years now. It been really hard without you. Everyday seems like more of a stuggle. Its hard to emplain what the death of the only girl besides my family feels like. Especailly since I still think its my fault. Again, Im sorry I wasnt soon enough, Im sorry that I didnt help you understand the evil ways of this world. Its been difficult for me today, it was hard to get about of bed. There simply was no point what so ever besides being able to focas this time on you. Ive read your goodbye letter so many times and still try and make myself think that you had a good life, like you wished. But thats one of the hardest things you could have asked me. Im healing very very slowly. Where ever you are I hope you are with your dad and all the other people who didnt kill themselves intentionally, but rather just because this world was too hard for them to deal with.Your brother is expecting a baby soon, we dont know if its a girl or boy yet. Hes so proud. I miss you more than Ive ever missed anyone, because I can atleast say goodbye to other people. I dont even know what else to say. Im speechless and Im still sorry.
Love
Sara"
I put it on her grave and fell to my knees with the white roses that she liked that I grasped onto so tight that the thorns made my hand bleed. I sat the letter down perfectly and adjusted the flowers which had my blood on them. I sat there looking at her tombstone, what it said. I was so numb and immune to emotion that I couldnt even cry at this point. I kneeled there for moments just recovering, not keeping track of the time. When I was finished I got up and walked away. Then I stopped, because I felt something near me, I turned around and as a tear rolled down my cheek onto my lip I noticed that there was nothing. There was only what I left behind and the dead corpse of my best friend and the leaves that were blowing away. As another tear rolled down I wishpered soflty, "Untill next year, Goodbye Ashley." I put my head down and walked away. |
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Author's footnotes and comments on this Poem:
DO NOT COPY copyright Kalie Nelson
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| » Comments / Feedback | by AngelOfSorrow (4-11-2005 - 06:08 PM)
| I wasnt trying to be rude...or mean.. |
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